Don't Leave Home Without Worrying!!

U.S. to Issue Terrorism Alert for Travel to Europe (click to read original story)
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Terrorism is now officially world-wide, in case you didn't know. This means that everyone in the world is potentially susceptible to a terrorist attack wherever you are. If you are wondering should I worry? then listen to this:

According to the neutral, influential, extremely fair and un-biased New York Times
("all the news we're told to print, fits"):

"The State Department plans to issue an alert on Sunday (Oct 3, 2010) urging Americans traveling to Europe to be vigilant about possible terrorist attacks, an American official said Saturday...The official, who did not want to be identified speaking about internal government deliberations, said a stronger “travel warning” that might advise Americans not to visit Europe was not under consideration."

In other words, you are all in danger and God help you if you leave your house!!...

(or Allah... if God's not around)

...but if  you have plenty of money and can afford a plane ticket and a hotel discount package thanks to one of William Shatner's actor's studio-trained TV commercials, then by all means, go to Europe. Worry, certainly. But you don't have to be careful; just be "vigilant." For some reason terrorism is apparently more dangerous for those who have little money to travel.

What this all means is: Yes, you should worry. You should start worrying right now and not stop! Better you should stay home, but if you must go somewhere, don't leave home without worrying.

So how bad is it?!

Boring...

You know how NORAD has their typical, so-so, boring lights that blink different colors to go from Def Con 1, Def Con 2, 3, and so on (yawn) while blaring that awful foghorn-type warning thing for nuclear war? So unawesome, so 20th century.


Well now we have a similar system in development for terrorism: Terror 1, Terror 2, etc. except the colors are translucent and way cooler because they were designed by State Department tekkies who secretly cross-dress and fat State Department secretaries who can really move booty and shake that thing... instead of military tekkies and stiff V-shaped military women who don't dance and don't tell. So now as the danger intensifies, instead of an annoying head-splitting foghorn type warning, there's "Yo! Yo!" and suitable gangsta music playing... (BTW, I don't mean Yo Yo Ma, okay? Altho it is a cool name.) ...and then the lights gyrate and blink to the music. It is way too cool...but I digress...


Okay, I admit, so far it's only a concept in development. The point is, metaphorically, the Terror lights have gone way past Terror 9 to half-past Terror Bin Laden!! Remember, and never forget, that he is causing all of this!

So...As the NY Times article clearly and wisely implies, you really shouldn't go anywhere.

However, if you should decide on a whim to go on a trip, and you simply cannot decide between Paris, France or Kabul, Afghanistan, then it doesn't matter. You are in serious danger in both places!! I'm not kidding about this...and neither is the official who doesn't want to be identified speaking about internal government deliberations.

(There is a rumor going around that the 'American' official may be Bin Laden himself!!! And if he's around, no matter where you are in the world...well, you know what that means...)

They're coming... to get you... Barbara... (John, Harold, Brigitte, whoever)

They're coming to get us all. So let us face facts calmly and rationally. No one is safe!!

It means Yes, you should worry. Terrorism has become so widespread it's rampant, world-rampant. The only place you are officially safe is in your bed under the covers. That kind of rampant!

What about the children?

Never mind them! After even one day at school they can't possibly be trusted. You have no idea what they've been learning... 

...and neither do they...

So be worried and stop traveling (unless you still have plenty of money) and bring a sigh of relief to the State Department who has issued this latest worry alert. They will feel so much better, knowing they've done their job if you worry.

Please...they've worked so hard. Don't disappoint them.

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Oct. 3, 2010
Update - U.S. Issues a Terrorism Alert for Travel in Europe

"The State Department issued an alert on Sunday urging Americans traveling to Europe to be vigilant about possible terrorist attacks, naming Al Qaeda as one source of the concern. The British government, meanwhile, raised the threat of terrorism to "high" from "general" for Britons in France and Germany."

So...What is the difference between "general" terrorism and "high" terrorism?

"Good evening, I'm Morty Schwanz with the FOXY news, the most trusted news in the world at this precise moment... according to our statistics, anyway...

Top story tonight:
TERRORISM!!...
...is only General today, but there is a strong political pressure coming from the middle east blowing west, and by tomorrow it will be High...
Locked doors are highly recommended."

"The dilemma for authorities in both Europe and the United States is will be  (NYT typo - not mine)  how best to inform the public of a threat that intelligence analysts believe is real but whose contours remain vague – “credible” but not “specific,” in agency jargon." (from original story)

In other words, "how best to inform the public of a threat" where there is none.

Remember, the above quote is from the New York Times, the same paper and the same reporter who informed us only yesterday that all this might happen. And now...well, there you go.

Sheer visionaries.

Thank you State Department. Thank you New York Times, and all you other "independent" publications and TV media for giving us stiff and fair warning, and giving a clear name and face to our worry. Without you, we would have no idea what to worry about. Thank you, thank you.

As for me, I'm going to see if I can get my newspaper carrier to toss my paper much closer to my porch during his drive-by delivery so I don't have to venture too far outside for a while.
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